Thought

Lyrics to Make You Feel My Love

CD 19-by Adele

When the rain is blowing in your face,

and the whole world is on your case,

I could offer you a warm embrace

to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,

and there is no one there to dry your tears,

I could hold you for a million years

to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,

but I would never do you wrong.

I've known it from the moment that we met,

no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,

I'd go crawling down the avenue.

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

and on the highway of regret.

Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,

you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.

Nothing that I wouldn't do.

Go to the ends of the Earth for you,

to make you feel my love

There is no sadder feeling than loving someone who doesn't love you back.

callie

Smokey Says it Best- I'm venting-and not sorry.

I never really listened to the lyrics of the song Smokey Robinson sang about- but it was a hit of his years ago entitled "Tears of a Clown".. He sings about how he smiles, and jokes and what not, however underneath it all, lies tears.

My heart hurts. Everything right now hurts. I woke up this morning and wouldn't you know it- Valentines Day. I hate it. truly. For singles, it is a depressing day. And to add insult to injury, every where I went thus far- people were telling me "Happy Valentines Day". I found myself growling at the gas station attendent. I just wanted to slap the shit out of him. "WHAT" pre-tell am I to be happy about on Valentines Day?

My heart is hardened. I have hit an all time level of stress that I have not had in a while- or possibly never. I think this is a never situation as I am having bodily discomforts. I don't sleep. I have not slept in a day or two. I snoozed, but other than that I lay awake in my bed tossing and turning at all hours of the night.

Being out of work, blows major donkey balls. I mean, I am angry. Angry at knowing that I did what I could to make things work for these people and they just decide to make shit up and now I am out of a job! I am having to fight for what is right, fight for my needs that of my sons. I am fighting for my integrity at times and all that I know.

I never thought I would see the day where I would have to contemplate on how to make a meal out of nothing. Talk about turning a few loaves of bread and fish to make a meal. I am relying on that each day. To know that people have that kind of control of anothers life. It escapes me.

I am not one to fall into depression, and yet I have. I recognize the signs, the crying all of the time, the wanting to believe in hope only to let it go because- you know- hope right now is dim. I barely have just enough light to feel my way through.

I lie in my bed at night and just cry, and I tell God, "You know, I am not a great person, I am but a speck of sand- but damn it, can I get a break? Can I get something or obtain something good once in a while?" "When is it going to be my turn?" I don't get an answer. I have had words in my church. yeah- I kinda lost my shit. I basically told everyone- that I was tired of listening to the same ole- same ole. I know where my beliefs are, I know how much I depend on what little faith I have left to just get out of the bed. I know all of this. Tell me something I don't know though. Tell me what people are to do when the answer always seems to be "no"...or when they rely on faith and do what they can to better themselves they take 5 steps forward and get knocked 75 steps back.Needless to say it was silent. No one said anything. "I understand" I said to myself silently. I will just continue to walk it alone. and then I walked back to my seat and just cried. I "feel" alone. Although people say- "Your never alone" that's bullshit. It kinda goes with the saying- "Customers are always right" and we all KNOW that aint true.

I will be 39 in a few weeks. 39. I don't even know what to say about that. Other than- I am not looking forward to it. That will be perhaps another day to add a nail to my coffin. Oh wait, I am not going to be buried, I asked to be cremated.

Ok. so. I have perhaps cleared my thoughts for now. this is where I am at.

I AM

At times a child- I long to be held but not captured.
I AM
At times a coward- I keep my nose clean when I do not feel I should get in the middle.
I AM
At times scared- like now being out of work for a month. I see things that were given to me that can be once again taken away, and there is nothing I can do about it but trust in God that he will handle it.
I AM
At times a hypocrite- I know what I should do- but do the opposite and feel like crap afterwards.
I AM
At times alone- not by choice but because no one truly understands "me"

I AM............................................

The Letter O

I am Overwhelmed
I am Over extended
I am Over protective
I am Over it

My world right now at this moment seems to be Out of control. In ways it is. I never had the true sense of being in control, but now that things hinge on my abilities, I feel a sense of non balance which puts me in Out of frame of mind.

Since losing my job, I have tried to convey an aptitude of normalcy. For everyone around me. I find myself trying to keep things calm and smooth, when inside I feel like screaming. I feel like giving up. Just take it- Just take everything from me- Just do whatever you want it doesn't matter.

In this moment. anyways.

Tomorrow is another day.

Another letter.

Emotions

I find it amazing how women in general, we're created with such senses that can control our whole being. EMOTIONS. We do everything according to our emotions. We live daily according to our emotions. Our emotions are so embedded in women in such a way that we can't even explain them.

When our emotions are in effect it seems- well no- it doesn't seem, it does have an impact on everything else. Including our hearts. Men will never truly know the depth of a womans heart. It's too complicated. It's complicated even for us. women. And yet we know and have that ability to wrap it back up when it is in emotional turmoil.

I had something profound happen to me over the weekend. In jist, I gave in sexually to someone that I knew. For those of you that have known me for a while on my blog, you might have known that I was going through a period of celibacy. It has been so long actually that I couldn't recall the last time. Anyways- it was a special moment for me. A moment of giving up my soul to someone that I knows cares about me, and everything. However, he is not mine to keep. Not in the sense that I would like. I understood this. I knew all of this. And yet my emotions affected my physical and then voila. Upon our parting of ways, I can only describe as a deep sense of longing, and perhaps heartache as we said good bye. In ways it seemed like the last time we would see each other again, be with each other again.

I knew all of this..I prepared myself for all of this..and yet the emotions took over. I found myself running after him as he started to drive off. He rolled down his window and looked at me and asked what was wrong. I couldnt say anything. The tears just came. And my heart was pounding. I told him regardless- that the evening spent with him was the most wonderful thing to have happened to me in a long time. And it was. It was......................................

I sit here now putting this out there for all to read. possibly critique. But I had to. You see I had to be able to share how my heart feels right now. Where my emotions are. They are scattered. Like leaves blowing in the wind. I right now, feel like a tree. A beautiful tree that showed her glory when the sun shined, her leaves gave comfort and shade when then suns rays were too bright. Now- that same tree is standing alone- in the coolness of day with no sun. Her leaves are starting to fall....She is once again alone.

There are no words to say that have not already been said. I keep saying to myself, "Hold it together girl. No more tears.Be strong. You have to." and right now, I am tired of being strong. I am tired.

~c

Lost

I feel lost. Alot. I look at my life and I am like- how in the hell did I end up here? And can I get out of it?
Therefore, I search and search only to seem to hit brick walls. Life....It makes you wonder how far you can continue going at times. It causes you to sit down at times and re-evaluate your routes.

In the meantime, I am still LOST.

Temptation

I find that the hardest things to overcome are those that tempt you often. Being vulnerable as women- temptation comes in forms that deceive our hearts and our minds. I have been engaged with taking a 21 day challenge. I read where habits are formed can be broken if you repeat the same technique and within 21 days the habit -temptation can be broken. I believe in this as I have been doing it for my course in celibacy. So I must keep doing it in order to break a habit concerning certain things that have seem to come back into my life in a form that is not healthy for me. Ok...who am I kidding. I am an adult and I have always written truthfully about my experiences. I am being tempted by an old flame who is not healthy for me. In order for me to make it through this I have to pray..Hope prays with me all of the time, but she was really praying for me a few days ago when she and I talked and I was in tears because that certain temptation was presented to me in my most vulnerable and overwhelming time in my life.

Temptations arise in those times. It is in those times where we need to be prepared and focused to fight it. Wish me well..It's a hard one....and yet, I am still a survivor. or so I like to think.

~c